Soliloquy

Give And Expect

2010-03-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

Many of us are familiar with the Apostle Paul stating "It is more blessed to give than to receive." in Acts 20:35. However, I'm realizing my thinking needs to expand to align with how God thinks as evidenced in Romans 8:15 (MSG) "This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?"" The reality is that I've received so much from God in my new life, that as I give out of that blessing, I MUST expect to receive more from God. We can look at this in one of two ways: a container being refilled, or a pipeline being supplied. I lean more towards the pipeline, but scripture easily supports the container. Bottom line: both have a source - God.

Ephesians 3:20 (AMP)
Now to Him Who, by (in consequence of) the [action of His] power that is at work within us, is able to [carry out His purpose and] do superabundantly, far over and above all that we [dare] ask or think [infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts, hopes, or dreams]--

Erwin McManus writes in "An Unstoppable Force": “The Spirit of God moves like the wind, leaving a still silence where He once blew, and beckoning us to where He now stirs. The church must raise her sails and move with the Spirit if we are not to be left behind. It is not enough to simply hang on; we must boldly move forward.”

The mindset in which I give to others plays hugely in how I give to others. Papa, where do I go next? To whom will I give next? What will I give next? You are my Source ... I have nothing without You ... I am nothing without You ... I can do nothing without You.

30 Minutes or 30 Years?

2010-02-10T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sandy and I were talking about life and such things the other night. As a part of that conversation, we started talking about how we would live our life if we knew when we'd pass from this life to eternity with Jesus.

Questions ran through my head: What is the source of my pleasure and sense of success? What am I pouring my passion into? If spending time with my children was my sole priority, am I doing this now, or am I thinking that I have time? If it were my job, then all of my time and energy would go into that.

Knowing that my life on this earth is limited and that I have many things tugging at my time, I am faced with making these choices on a moment by moment basis. We talked about the movie "Last Holiday" in which Georgia Byrd (played by Queen Latifah) was informed that she has three weeks to live. She totally changed her life priorities and did things that she hadn't even considered doing before, living a life of brevity rather than longevity. I enjoyed the movie, however, it doesn't reflect my own attitude about the way I'm living my life.

I had to stop and think about all of this before I arrived at the conclusion that I should be living my life the same way even if I were going to pass on in the next 30 minutes or if I passed on 30 years from now. Am I? I believe for the most part I am … however, I'm open to God for further clarification and guidance. So, my prayerful attitude is: Father, help me know what You want me to do. Echoing the words of Apostle Jim Durkin, these have had a spiritual influence in my life:

I cannot please everyone who puts a demand on me, therefore I choose to please God, and, whomever that pleases, I must assume I am to work with them.

I cannot do everything that can be done, therefore I choose to do what God wants me to do. If I do this, I know I will meet every reasonable goal for my life.

I will blame no one for where I find myself. I will accept the blame, if any, for my own choices. If others have wronged me, that is their problem, but I am where I am by my choices.

I run no more. I will stand and fight Satan where I am. If I need to change, I will do it where I am. I will stay and stand until I win, and leave when I can walk out with my head held upright.

By putting God first, I believe I will have all the time needed for my family, friends, business, self-growth and leisure. I believe God has so made life that a man has time to finish what God has called him to do.

Clay Containers

2010-01-27T00:00:00.000-08:00

To begin, know that everybody has a belief system. A belief system is basically how you view, process, filter, and structure information you take in. A belief system can have its basis in science, philosophy, business, and religion for example.

I submit to you that people carry their belief system in the container of their experiences. If life experiences dictate an adjustment to the container, then the contents of the container are adjusted as well. In other words, the belief system conforms to the newly adjusted shape of the container. Of course, metaphors could abound here - the use of water or oil would work for the belief system, as either quickly conforms to its container. If something stressful happens in our life, we could even experience a crack in our container or even have it shattered entirely. The contents of the container (belief system) escape and may well be impossible to recover.

Let's talk more about the container ... long before clay is fired and hardened, it is turned and shaped (aka thrown - interesting concept term, I think, but I digress). That shaping takes place in the potter's hands so it results in whatever the potter desires it to be. Once the potter is satisfied with the shape, s/he is ready to fire the work. Now, the temperature for firing done in the typical kiln could range from 1700-2100º F. That's warm! The heat "matures" the clay (melting it at a molecular level) and the resulting container is suitable to the purpose for which is was shaped. It is strong, tough and in some ways very similar to stone.

Clay stays malleable until it's fired and it can be reshaped over and over again. An apparent downside though is that, once it's been fired, it cannot, using normal human processes, be reshaped. The best reuse that we can come up with, it seems, is that the container would need to be crushed and then used as a filler or some such thing. Definitely, a lesser use than the original container the potter had designed it to be.

The world treats the broken clay as a cheap commodity ... a filler, of little value. God, however, sees that broken or crushed material as something to work with. He is able to take something that is broken and of little or no use and supernaturally transform that old, broken, crushed, clay container into something that is malleable once again. Nothing less than a miracle!! He is restorative and makes that container useful again.

Now, back to the water or oil (belief system) which leaked from the cracked or broken container ... God, again, being the True Miracle Worker uses His Creative Power and creates something out of nothing and refills the container with a fresh belief system. A belief system that is based on His ideas, values, and views. A belief system based on Life and not death, that is renewed and able to influence others.

Are you broken? Have you felt people have cast you aside as filler? Look to God for restoration, Life, and a fresh and new belief system based on His ideas, values, and views. He will make you into something that is useful for His purpose. He provides that pathway through His Son, Jesus Christ. It doesn't matter if you don't know Him yet, or if you've known Him for years. The solution is still the same.

What Color Is Your Snot?

2009-11-13T00:00:00.000-08:00

Now that I have your attention … I will tell you where this question stems from. A number of years ago I went to the doctor's office to get checked out for a bad cold that I couldn't shake. For those of you that may not know me well, I don't normally rush to the doctor unless it's a potentially serious situation. And, it's more than just simply a "male" thing, too. I'm just not typically a person to quickly react to everything … some have counted that as a negative characteristic. I am learning more about how God made me and though I could come across to others as slow or lazy, it's often (not always) more the processing time that I take when presented with a problem or challenge.

I used to allow myself to be guilted into not working things quickly and have actually been called "slow" by a friend of many years (conversely, this same person was amazed at how "fast" Sandy is, and I absolutely agree … but, I digress). In the more recent years of my life, God has revealed to me that He made me to be a certain way and that I cannot be like others. He showed me that even as the young David attempted to wear King Saul's armor, it was ill-fitted and cumbersome and didn't allow David to be what God had shaped him to be. Imagine, if you will, the effort it would take, while wearing the armor, to wind up a sling to the speed and strength necessary to cast that stone deep into Goliath's forehead.

Now, back to the snot … while in the doctor's office, he presented me with the question, "What color is your mucus?" (now, realizing that he said "mucus" and I said "snot", there's a reason I'm sticking with "snot", and, I believe it's basically the same stuff. In real life we often don't go around saying "mucus", we revert to the more socially stated version of "snot". Maybe that's because it sounds so much cooler. We don't say "You little mucus!!", or "Don't get mucusy with me!" And, you have to admit, once you've touched it on any surface, it's just plain snot and the word mucus doesn't make it any better.) I was a little taken aback by the question … actually, somewhat embarassed and even indignant. I thought to myself, "What do you mean, do you think I actually would lower myself and look at such a disgusting excrement from my body?" (Now, here is where I will challenge most folks to admit that at some point in your life, you really have looked at some disgusting excrement from your body … right?) In response to the question, I confessed that I wasn't certain. The doctor then proceeded to tell me about the various colors of mucus (aka snot) that helps him determine what stage and severity my condition was in. The colors ranged from clear, to light green, to yellowish. Each color would indicate something different about what my physical body was going through.

Now, when it comes to a spiritual "snot" condition, I've been going through a variety of stages in recent months. And, it's just now that I'm acknowledging that Dr. God has been at work in me. It isn't that I've been ignorant or blind to it, I just wasn't quite certain what was happening and I couldn't explain it or even articulate it. Sometimes, I know what His work consists of, sometimes I don't. Sometimes He merely is strengthening me for what's coming, whether that be a battle or a blessing. I don't know exactly what His immediate plan is, but I know that I can trust Him with that plan. I look forward to what is, I believe, going to be a time of change in my life … change for His purpose, change for the better, change for the wholeness of ministry. This isn't easy for me, but I'm learning that it is inevitable and that I should embrace it as He embraces me and we take this journey together.

I've come to also realize that I've been away from my desire to blog … this is due in two parts, the first, life just got plain busy and the other is that I believe God was allowing me to go through a germination period of sorts. In the same way that a seed, once planted, would take some time before pushing throught the top of the soil. It seems to me that I've been unproductive and I felt that God hasn't been very close to me. However, when I realize He's taking me through a period of germination (dictionary.com says "The germination of most seeds … occurs in response to warmth and water."), I know that He's been especially close to me and has been watering me with His Holy Spirit. That brings me a lot of comfort ... kinda like a bowl of hot chicken soup when you have a cold. The Holy Spirit is really the chicken soup for my soul.

I now know that because my snot is clear, that I'm done with that short time and that there are things for me to do in His Kingdom. So, I'm done with the box of tissue for the time being and will partner with Him as we move forward.

I Heard Him Say

2008-12-21T00:00:00.000-08:00

I've heard it said that life is tough. I've heard it said that love is not worth it. I've heard it said that you can only count on yourself. I'm not going to believe just anything that I've heard from others.

I'm going to believe in what God tells me:

I heard Him say that He loves me (John 16:27).
I heard Him say that He will help me (Isaiah 41:13).
I heard Him say that He is always there (Hebrews 7:25).
I heard Him say that He will never leave me (Hebrews 13:5).
I heard Him say that He will live with me (John 14:23).
I heard Him say that He will strengthen me (Isaiah 41:10).

I'm going to believe in what God tells me because He will never lie to me. He will never abandon me. He will never do harm to me. He will never forget me.

Is life tough? Yes! Is love hard? Yes! Is it all worth it in the end? Absolutely YES!!

My Fair Ladies!

2008-12-03T00:00:00.000-08:00

I had the privilege of serving at our church's Ladies Christmas event (Christmas at Tiffany's) Wednesday evening. Such a wonderful setting at the Pavilion downtown. It was nicely decorated and the ambience was perfect - the ladies were wonderfully dressed in wonderful dresses - it was quite the affair. As servers, we men had the opportunity to offer the ladies refreshments and keep food on the buffet tables. The women of our local church, their friends and family members had a great time socializing, sharing, and laughing. Gifts were won, with ooh's and aah's being heard in reaction to the grander gifts - especially the Tiffany braclet (fine job Debbie)!!

But, the highlight of it all was seeing My Fair Ladies - my wife and my two daughters, all gussied up in gorgeous gowns. I didn't get a chance to say much to them, but they were loverliest to glance at when I peeked on occasion - fine looking women by God's creation. Women who each live a life that is challenging, not only to others, but to themselves. They continue to stretch for higher goals and attain greater achievements. In times such as this, they are models of character and I am blessed to be associated with them.

I have to admit, that originally I wasn't crazy about serving on this occasion - I even groused about it ahead of time. I would have much rather stayed at home than give a little bit of myself. Once there, I realized that it wasn't so bad. Being with a few of my friends while serving (thanks Mikey, Gene, and Mark) helped me get over my selfishness. I'm so glad I went and served now. I was rather like an Eliza Doolittle - especially as I was snubbed in one part of the evening. "Fine!", I thought, "If that's the way you want to treat me, I don't have to be here you know!"

Later, I was reminded of Jesus and the way He was snubbed - before, during and after He gave His life on the Cross - ultimately, to be the sacrifice for my sin. He didn't have to be here either, but He was and is. I'm sorry Ladies for my attitude - before, during, and after - it was wrong and selfish. Jesus looked forward in time and space and saw me and came to die for me. I've realized - looking back at the evening - that had I not been there giving just a little bit of me and my life, I wouldn't have seen My Fair Ladies. Thank you Jesus ... Thank you Ladies. You are the loverliest of all and you've helped me grow just a little bit more into the refined individual that I'm supposed to be!!

Memories :: Old Math Revisited

2008-12-01T00:00:00.000-08:00

You know our memories are amazing things, they can hold tremendous amounts of information … ranging from useless and trivial, to important and critical, and everything in between. Recently, a co-worker and I were in a conference room waiting for a meeting to start. We were talking about the upcoming holidays of Thanksgiving and Christmas and how excited she was that she and her husband were busy with their two young boys. Her schedule included traveling and meals and gifts and how important it was for memories to be made, even in the midst of the frenetic pace of life. We migrated to sharing some of our own childhood memories. I shared that I used to help my Mom make sugar cookies in the shapes of bells, holly, Christmas trees, and Santas. These were the kind that, once baked, you would used different colored frosting to decorate them. The frosting colors would include red, green, yellow, and white and were the results of making your frosting from scratch. Often times, they would have the accents of candy sparklies or silver balls for the tree ornaments. Ah, fond memories and the cookies tasted pretty good too! Then, I commented how I regreted not creating similar memories surrounding Christmas with my own children. A short time later, in a men's group, I shared that though I may regret missed opportunities, I don't have to miss them in my future. I'm redoubling my efforts to make memories with my loved ones.

I believe that memories are alive and active. I believe they can even morph into something that wasn't real or even pertinent to the original occurance. So, viewing memories from an old math metaphor, let's see how the effects of memories can be "multiplied", "divided", "subtracted", or "added" to us as an individual.

Memories can "multiply" and may affect not only me as an individual, but several people at once. They not only take on the flavor of the individual as they're shared and passed on, but, they also can multiply our own joy and pleasure of original involvement each time we share them. In recent years, I've come to discover a certain type of relationship I had experienced years ago - I'll refer to it as a Jonathan / David relationship. It was a very close relationship, but not immoral or untoward in anyway. I received such an emotional and spiritual investment into my life that I felt had little to offer in return except being a "friend". At times, when I relate memories of that relationship, it brings a tremendous blessing to me. Yet, because it no longer exists with that person, it leaves something of a void as well. I am believing that I will have another relationship of its kind, which will multiply my sense of being a positive investment in another person's life. Today, I'm thinking multiplying memories can only be a positive influence upon the individual and those with which they're shared. However, it wasn't always so.

Memories can "divide" lives, which if carried to it's full extent, can separate people for a lifetime. It seems this has got to be the worst aspect of memories - with the loss or pain or bitterness that is often associated with them. They even can change how we relate to others. However, I believe even memories which divide can have a positive impact upon a person. Back to my Jonathan / David relationship I've mentioned above … though it was a multiplying relationship for many years, the last year or so before it was broken was especially hard for me. It resulted in hurts and injuries that, if left alone, could mar a person for life. I've been on a journey for the last seven years and God has shown me many things about that time in my life. Think of one component of division: the dividend. The dividend is, by one definition, a share of anything divided. So, out of my last Jonathan / David relationship, I walked away with a dividend, my share of that relationship. I've grown to a level of forgiveness that I've never known before. I've been blessed with the cognizance of what true grace and mercy are about. It's with the same grace and mercy God shows me through Jesus, that I've been able to manifest grace and mercy towards others. So, memories which cause division can actually be turned for good. I can choose to do anything I want with my share of a divided relationship. My choice? To invest that dividend in another relationship to make more memories!!

Memories can "subtract" from a life experience. For example, what I consider important as a memory, isn't so for another person. We see each other again, we relate those shared memories, when, all of a sudden, it's discovered that we don't remember the event the same way (sometimes, not even at all)! Is that bad? I don't think so, we've only discovered that a shared memory isn't the same as we once thought. But that subtraction could be an opportunity for growing. You see, when you subtract one item from another, it's with the intention of discovering the difference. We all view things from a different perspective or paradigm. When viewing a fall landscape, you may see the details of the leaves and all their color. I may see the vastness of the terrain and variety of plants. When memories are shared, we can learn to appreciate the difference and value it as much as our own recollection. Just because something is different, doesn't make it wrong.

Memories can "add" something to us as well - to overstate the obvious. In the Christmas cookies memory, what I'm thinking is perhaps my Mom didn't realize that she was making memories. Yet, they have become something so treasured by me that my value of those memories is higher than what she could have considered possible. A memory can never be reproduced in exactness - otherwise, it lessens in value when mass produced. I will never be able to recreate that childhood memory, which brought so much joy to me, with my children. I have to endeavor to make new and different opportunities. In making memories with my family, I have to afford them the option of remembering different things and placing different value on them. Whatever adds to their life as we shared is what's most important to me. Not for the sake of adding, but for the sake of sharing and creating memories in two lives in what seems so brief a moment in time.

It has been said "We do not remember days, we remember moments.", so, I'm choosing to make memorable moments. I expect they will be varied in quantity, quality, and value by the holder … but, maybe that's where the "old math" doesn't add up anymore, eh? Blessings!!

The Bridge to God ...

2008-11-19T00:00:00.000-08:00

It's interesting that when we start out on a certain path, we don't always end up where we think we should. This has proven true not only about life in general, but about specific times in our life. God has plans for me, He tells me, "I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." (Jeremiah 29:11 MSG), and sometimes He even lets me in on them. Sometimes, I merely respond and follow because I trust Him and "... we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good." (Romans 8:28 MSG).

This past summer (yes, it seems so long ago now) Sandy and I had a wonderful "opportunity" to build a dream of hers ... a water feature. Now, when my wife dreams, she dreams BIG! As a dear friend (actually, part of our adopted family), Tara Balcom, said, "No little water feature, mind you! A very impressive one complete with a bridge and everything!"

I've come to really enjoy working with my wife over these past 30 years. We are the perfect pair: she holds the whip, I hold the hammer. Just kidding, honey!! In all fairness, once we got started on this particular project, I was thoroughly jazzed about it.

To the right is a picture from Sunset that inspired her dream water feature. So, in mid-July we started down the pathway to completing the dream! The original thought was "we should be able to get this done in a weekend!" Remember what I said about dreaming BIG? Keep that tucked away for now.

We used our nice economic stimulus check to purchase the necessary pump, hosing, liner, etc. We gathered rocks (lots of rocks), stumps, old fencing and other materials from wherever we could. Much of it was free (except the labor to retrieve it, the gas to haul it, and the time to "assemble" it) and we are very thankful to God for His blessings on this project.

We worked ... and worked ... and worked ... and worked some more. At times we questioned if this project was bigger than our skills and abilities. We've tackled large projects before, but we kinda had a clue about what we were doing before we started down the pathway.

Not so much with this project - sure, we had some guidance from the "pond man", the internet, a video, several books and they all made it sound and look so simple ... ANYBODY could do it, it seemed.

Now, for those who don't know me ... I'm a planner. Yes, a very detailed planner. I have computerized drawings of how parts of this project would look and be constructed. But, as the old saying goes, "The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry", we ended up in a different place than where we thought we would. But, God knew exactly where we'd end up ... He knew it before time itself began! I truly marvel at His wisdom and insight as I view it with my 20/20 vision - alway in hindsight, that is! All in all, it took us almost a month (not of Sundays, but close) to finish just Phase 1 - the water feature.

After we completed the water feature, we rested ... for a few days. Then, we started on Phase 2 - the bridge. Now, the plan from nearly the beginning was to make a water feature that looked seasoned, in other words "old". Well, as we approached the bridge phase, we knew we couldn't use "new" wood, it just wouldn't look right. So we while we were scrounging around for material, we were informed by Tara of some folks that had old, used 2x6 fencing they wanted to get rid of. We jumped on that because when we saw the phone pix she sent us, it was exactly what we were looking for! It was a true blessing, as it fit the need and resulted in a old, rugged bridge to go with the seasoned water feature.

Well, as we progressed on the bridge phase, a tragedy hit the Balcom family - they lost their daughter, Kristen, three days following her birth. "Why?" was the question of the day, the week, the month, the year, and possibly a lifetime. But, as we continue to learn, God knows why and we aren't always privy to that ... yet. The Balcom family, facing many overwhelming decisions ahead of them, came to realize that they could only handle one at a time and they would have to cross each bridge when they came to it. It was during this difficult time that the inspiration came to dedicate this old, rugged bridge and seasoned water feature to baby Kristen.

So, with new vigor, desire, and hope we finished the bridge. Shortly thereafter, we invited the Balcom family and others to unveil the dedication. Even now, as I write this, the symbology is huge ... almost beyond comprehension. We thought it would be a nice "little" water feature with a bridge across it. Something that we could enjoy for a few years. But, in reality, it has become a symbol of Hope. Hope that we all will see Kristen again as we continue our eternal lives with the Lord ... where she is now.

It's the same Hope that died on that old, rugged Cross so many centuries ago. The death of Jesus followed three days later by His resurrection provided the bridge for us to get back into relationship with our Heavenly Father. "It was the precious blood of Christ, the sinless, spotless Lamb of God. God chose him as your ransom long before the world began, but he has now revealed him to you in these last days." (1 Peter 1:19-20 NLT)

You see, God dreams BIG too, when He looked through all of time and space and saw your broken relationship with Him, He sent Jesus to rebuild it ... Jesus is The Bridge to God.

Did it take a weekend? No, only Eternity. Blessings!!

PS - to see our project journey, go here.

I don't do a lot of things anymore ...

2008-11-18T00:00:00.000-08:00

I used to pray and read my bible religiously ... but not any more. Galatians 3:3 says "... After beginning with the Spirit, are you now trying to attain your goal by human effort?" That sounds pretty good to me!

I actually don't pray anymore, but I do talk with God like I would talk with anybody else. Yes, He talks with me too. Sometimes, He points at something as I pass by in my life. He says, "Hey, Rod! Look at this! Do you see what I see?" Sometimes I think He's just playing with my mind, but then, as my eyes focus, I really do see what He sees. For example, just the other day, I was gazing out our living room window at a number of small birds - swallows, I believe - when suddenly, a squirrel scurries along a stone path with an apple in its mouth. Then a motion caught my attention ... out at the end of our driveway was a deer slowly walking along. Just think, right in the middle of my mindless viewing, God shows me a veritable zoo! A zoo! Right in my front yard.

So, what does that have to do with praying and reading? Well, He showed me that His world is alive! I'm part of His world and He breathes life into me as well. It says in Philipians 2:13 (AMP) [Not in your own strength] for it is God Who is all the while effectually at work in you - energizing and creating in you the power and desire - both to will and to work for His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight.

He desires to be a God of life, not death. He wants to show me life ... so in the midst of a cool fall day, he showed me how much life there was right in my own front yard! So, I've found that praying and reading is somewhat boring compared to the living relationship that I have with Jesus. He and I interact on such a different level than when I simply pray and read out of rote, out of duty.

His Word says that He is "energizing and creating" me ... for what? For "His good pleasure and satisfaction and delight" ... that sounds a whole lot more interesting than just sitting around praying and reading. You might try it sometime. Blessings!

Hello, My Name Is ...

2008-11-17T00:00:00.000-08:00

Hello, my name is Rod and I’m a hater of God. Now, before you move to another website, please continue reading. This isn’t a “normal” story of how a person found God and then everything is just wonderful with a perfect life with no hardships or difficulties. This is a real description of somebody who wants to be true and honest about what they are.

Long after I started this journey with God, He showed me that I needed help. He showed me that I would need His help everyday of my life … not just once or twice before I died. He shows me that He isn’t merely a crutch or a gurney, but He is like life support for a person – helping me breathe, keeping my heart pumping, making my brain function, my entire person to exist as a living entity in this universe. This goes way beyond just leaning on something … it became my very lifeline, my very source of living.

It started a few years ago when I was driving to work and just minding my own business. I was listening and singing to music and then all of a sudden a curtain appeared before me. Now, this might concern people if they thought that I wasn’t able to see the road. Not so, I could still see everything, but there was a very real curtain there. After a brief moment, a slit in the curtain allowed a blinding light to shine into my eyes. You might think this to be that “bright white light” that people have described between when they die and then come back to life. It wasn’t that kind of light, because I was still alive … or so I thought. It was black light – bright, shining, but black as ink and just as blinding.

What God showed me was only a little glimpse of who I really am – and it was blindingly black. I am someone who hates God and wants to do what I want to do without considering anybody else. I am selfish and proud. I am willing to kill anybody to get what I want. I use words to injure others. I think thoughts that are evil and cause me to want to do things my way. I don’t want to do the things I should, I want to do the things I shouldn’t do. You see, there are things I do that I’m not proud of … but, most of the time, they’re things that people don’t see. They happen in my mind, my thoughts. But, if I continue to think about them, I end up doing them.

If people knew what goes on in my mind, they would probably fear me. They absolutely wouldn’t want to be around me because I am evil and do evil. But, that doesn’t stop me from thinking and doing these things.

So, what am I to do? Who can help me? That’s what God shows me during the drive-by curtain call. He shows me that He sees me entirely differently than I see myself. You see, He was telling me the truth about me – that I’m a rotten, stinking, evil person. I don’t deserve to live, but actually deserve to die. I am a person without hope.

He then shows me how He can help me. He offers me a new life. He gives me hope and future and offers me a new way of thinking. He shows me that I can turn to Him and, at that very moment and instant in time, can tell him about the evil I’m thinking and doing. But, it doesn’t stop there. He doesn’t condemn me and turn away from me. Just the opposite, He opens His arms and when I step towards Him, He wraps His loving arms around me and holds me. I then say, “Daddy, forgive me for the evil I’m thinking and the evil I want to do.” He says, “I do forgive you and I love you … forever. You’re part of my family and I want to be with you forever.” God helps me and makes a way for me to spend all of time and eternity with Him.

Each day that I exist, I am cognizant of my evil, which then reminds me of my need for God. He then reminds me that He made the way for me … The Way is Jesus. Jesus is the Way, Truth and Life. Because of Jesus taking my place and dying for my sin – past, present, and future – I can be with my Heavenly Father, starting now and into forever.

So, now when I think or do evil, I don’t concern myself with what others think. I only am concerned with what He thinks – my Father – the One who made the Way for me to get back to Him. My life is in Him. My entire existence is in Him. I run to Him several times a day – because it’s several times a day that I think or do evil. He’s always there, waiting with arms open, ready to hold me again. I tell Him what’s wrong and because I’ve done that, He gives me a clean record, just as if I hadn’t done anything wrong. He forgives me … always.

You see, sometimes people around me aren’t as forgiving because they want to hold the bad things I think and do against me. But, that’s all right, because I know Somebody who loves me unconditionally. He always wants to forgive me – because He always wants to be with me and He paid the price to be with me. He is more concerned with where I am with Him than what I’ve done.

Like I said when I starting writing this, this isn’t a “normal” story of how a person found God and then everything is just wonderful with a perfect life with no hardships or difficulties. I don’t have a perfect life and I have hardships and difficulties everyday, but now I have someone to help me make it through each day. There are some people who love me and forgive me, but most aren’t capable of loving and forgiving me like my Father. That’s the hardest and most difficult part of living each day … knowing that some people around me don’t love me and forgive me. But, He does and that gets me through each day.

Even though there are people in your life that probably don’t know what you’re going through at any given moment in your life, or who may not be loving or forgiving towards you. God loves me and that makes it possible for me to love you. I accept you … because God accepts me. I forgive you … because God forgives me. I want you to know that I love you, accept you, and forgive you. If you ever need anything, I can only offer to help but your Heavenly Father can provide everything you need, never forget that. I, and others, may fail you, but He will never fail you.